The framework for a proper apology
A simple skill that will fix and reinforce relationships.
Apologies are essential.
We’re all capable of f**k-ups and learning to apologise for our f**k-ups can rescue and even strengthen relationships.
Giving an apology should be something we’re taught early on in our lives, but the best we’re ever told is “apologise to him/her” by our parents and teachers when we’ve been naughty/disruptive/mischievous .
However, simply saying “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. Without some extra dialogue it’s a pretty hollow phrase and a bad apology can easily make things worse.
In order for the receiver of the apology to feel satisfied, there’s got to be more words spoken, but this is where people go wrong.
Apologising can be hard for so many reasons, almost all involving our ego…
We can hate the feeling of admitting fault, even if we know we are wrong.
We can hate the vulnerability that comes with apologising.
We can hate the feeling of being in trouble for something we’ve done.
AND we often lack the words necessary to explain ourselves.
We owe it to ourselves and others to be able to navigate this difficult moment like a proper level-headed adult.
Giving half-assed, reluctant or sarcastic apologies can lead to a totally ruined relationship for the foreseeable future, whereas a good apology will fix the issue at hand and even reinforce trust between two people.
So with that said, I’ve come up with a solid template for a decent apology that can quickly become second nature in your arsenal of communication skills.
A proper apology is made up of 4 parts….
Part 1: “I’m Sorry”
Without this it’s not a proper apology. These words mean a hell of a lot to the receiver. Look them in the eye and begin with “I’m sorry”. You’ve got this.
Part 2: Acknowledge what you did
Apologies are worth nothing if you don’t know what you did wrong and it’s very important to convey that you do know.
e.g “I’m really sorry that I failed to pick you up from the airport”
Part 3: Acknowledge the damage caused
Let the other person know that you’re aware of the negative effects of your actions.
e.g. “That must have been really disappointing after your long flight. I know you must have been exhausted and having to find other transport to get home was the last thing you needed.”
Part 4: State your plan to move forwards
What steps are you going to take to ensure you don’t f**k up again? This lets the receiver know that you care enough not to make the same mistake again.
e.g. “I want you to know that it won’t happen again. Next time you need me I’ll make sure it’s in my calendar and I’ll set an alarm for it”
How about another example?
“Steve, I’m really sorry…”
“…I wasn’t paying attention when I threw that frisbee at your head”
“…that must have really hurt and given you a bit of a shock”
“I promise I’ll be more careful next time”
Let’s all get better at being the kind of people who can own their mistakes.
Thanks for reading,
Will